just thinking out loud

February 7, 2008

love for the sake of love without expecting anything in return?

yah ideal..

but can we really expect ourselves to feel this way?

act? yes, but feel?

maybe not..

i believe love is giving a big part of yourself,

and in the process, you find yourself needing some of it back…

So here it is. You told me to write about it. Well, here goes nothing. They may seem like jumbled thoughts but I guess that’s what you get when you wake somebody up in the middle of a dream… I hope I make sense in this..

To whom it may concern: (I really don’t know if I should put your name here..)

True. It all began with you stalking my blog. Kung si Kinky at si Ate Ana nga, “Frances has a STALKER!!!” I just laughed it off dati. I told myself, it’s cool having someone be interested with the things I want to say, even though they’re just my thoughts written out loud. But then, I began to anticipate (I guess that’s an apt word for it) the remarks, the comebacks you’d say.. up to the point that I keep on refreshing my email for updates. (siguro akala mo ikaw lang.. ako din!) I became curious as to who you really are. Sino ka nga ba? Bakit mo pinagkakaguluhan ang munti kong mundo? Ayan, tagalog na yan.

Then I said to myself, it doesn’t really matter… Someone out there likes my work… I can’t say that I didn’t like the limelight you’ve given me, no matter how small it is.

Then, the emails started. Yung kulitan. The YM conversations. The text messages. It seems that I do not start the day without an email, a buzz, a message from you.. Kagaya ng sinabi mo, nasasanay na rin ako. I think a lot of people would cluck their tongues if they ever hear of this. Sana walang makabasa. Sana ikaw lang ang makakabasa nito. Ayan. Nagtatagalog na naman ako. Crap. You are rubbing off on me.

I know that you love someone else. You’ve said it often enough that I think my eyes would just roll out of my head.. Everytime that I hear you talk about it, I get so confused – maybe because knowing that you belong to her and yet, you seem to belong to me. Wait.. that doesn’t sound right.. I guess what I’m trying to say is that.. Gawd! I don’t know what to say.. Let me start over.. <sigh> I guess what I wanted to say was, do not begrudge me that little limelight you’ve given me. I know. It’s selfish right? I think that I have it in mind that at least, I am at the center of a stage in your life.

You got me all confused na rin… Dinagdagan mo pa nung sinabi mong "What if kaya kung tayo?"

You tried to explain to me things.. I don’t really get them that time (I was asleep, you woke me up, so sue me!)… And then… It hit me. It finally hit me. Tama ang sinabi sa akin ni Kinky. Namamangka ka nga sa dalawang ilog.

What I did get was: (1) I make you smile. (2) I make you feel giddy and young again. (3) Hanggang number 2 lang ang nagets ko, sorry..

I told you to decide because you can’t have your cake and eat it. You can’t want two things at the same time.

You asked me this morning what I meant. This is it I guess. I’d like for you to think long and hard about this.. It avoids confusion and trouble.

Para ngang Coffee Prince di ba?

– Frances

On a more selfish note, ayokong makigulo or masangkot sa gulo nyong dalawa. So better think twice ha? Di lang kasi ikaw ang maapektuhan… Cause and effect.. Action and reaction.. Think about it..